Orochimaru's Bedtime Stories
by gyuunmaesan
Summary: Orochimaru explains why Shino wears sunglasses, and what the Suna siblings were like when they were little. Also features stories on what Naruto's gang has really been up to during the 3 mos waiting for Jiraiya's return & a Rock Lee-Maito Gai special.
1. Why Gaara has no eyebrows

2nd chapter: Why Gaara has no eyebrows

Gaara used to have eyebrows--big, fuzzy, red eyebrows, much fuzzier than Rock Lee's.

When he was born, his father, the Kazekage, almost fainted with shock. The Sand had been experimenting on creating the perfect weapon and all they got was this? This baby who wouldn't scare anybody because he had clown-like eyebrows?

Yashamaru almost laughed out loud. "Good one, sister," he thought evilly. "You didn't die in vain." But to his brother-in-law, he said, "It's too early to judge if the boy was a failure. Maybe those eyebrows will manifest special properties when he grows up."

The Kazekage gnashed his molars. "We must pluck out those eyebrows! Yashamaru, give me some duct tape."

Though he had laughed to himself a while ago, Yashamaru, was still devastated over his sister's death at the sand of the infant. He handed the duct tape to the Kazekage. Oh, how he wished the baby would hurt as much as he was hurting now.

The Kazekage reached out to stick the duct tape over Gaara's eyebrows but sand blocked him.

"What the…?"

"The sand," Chiyo, the village elder who put the Shukaku into Gaara, said. "The sand will protect him from those who wish to harm him."

"So you mean to say, we can't pluck out those horrid eyebrows?"

Chiyo shook her head.

"Damn," the Kazekage swore. "Yashamaru! I command you to take care of Gaara. Don't ever let bring him outside. The people must be made to believe we have succeeded in creating the perfect weapon. You must not allow Gaara to see himself in the mirror. He must not see those horrid eyebrows of his! Maybe if he didn't know about them, he could still be trained to terrorize others."

"Yes, Kazekage-sama."

So for three years, Gaara never left the confines of his room. Temari and Kankurou never saw their brother until a lucky set of circumstances brought them all together.

Five-year old Temari was curious to see her youngest brother. Why did Uncle Yashamaru hide him from them? One night, when Yashamaru was down with the flu, Temari sneaked into Gaara's room to take a peek at him.

Green eyes greeted her when she entered the room. "Why is Gaara still awake?" she thought. "Yikes! Those eyes are scary."

"Gaara," she called. Gaara walked towards her, clutching his teddy bear. Temari blinked. Gaara was not as scary as their father made her believe. He looked cute, especially with those large fuzzy eyebrows of his and his pudgy cheeks.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Temari, your sister."

"Sister?"

"Yes. You also have a brother, Kankurou. He's asleep right now."

"Asleep?"

"Yes, It's eleven o' clock already. Why aren't you asleep?"

Gaara looked at this blonde girl curiously. He felt at ease with her.

"You want to meet Kankurou?" she asked Gaara.

Gaara merely nodded. He clutched Temari's right hand.

"Ok, his room's this way." The two children made their way to Kankurou's room.

"Hey, Kankurou, wake up!" Temari shook her younger brother awake.

"Temari! Why did you wake me up?" four-year old Kankurou complained. He rubbed his eyes. "What the?" he thought as his eyes fell on Gaara.

"Who's that?" he asked Temari.

"He's our brother, Gaara."

"Really? Now I know why they hid him from us. Look at his eyebrows!"

Gaara looked at Kankurou. This was his elder brother? He didn't seem very nice but he felt at ease with him, too.

"And look at those eyes! They're creepy!" Kankurou continued. "Hey, do you ever sleep? You have dark circles around your eyes.

"I can't sleep," Gaara said.

"You have sleeping problems?" Temari looked at her youngest brother with concern.

"Yes," Gaara said.

Kankurou reached out to touch Gaara's eyebrows. Surprisingly, sand didn't block his hand.

"Your eyebrows are very fuzzy," he commented.

"Eyebrows?" Gaara was puzzled.

"Yup, eyebrows. Look, I have them, too." Kankurou pointed to his own eyebrows. Gaara looked at them curiously.

Temari suddenly had an idea. "Kankurou! He's three years old so maybe he doesn't know about body parts yet. Let's teach him!"

Kankurou yawned. "I'm sleepy. You teach him." And Kankurou went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Temari ran to her room to fetch a hand mirror. She went back to Kankurou's room to give the mirror to Gaara. "Here Gaara. You can look at this to see your face!" Gaara took the mirror. He held it before him. His eyes widened with shock. He dropped the mirror. Luckily, Temari caught it.

"Don't be scared. That was just you."

Gaara's eyes were still opened wide with shock. Temari thought that made him look creepier.

"Me?" Gaara trembled.

"Yes. You saw yourself in the mirror."

Gaara looked at himself in the mirror once more. He was no longer shocked to see another person staring back at him. He stuck out his tongue. The person inside the glass stuck out his tongue, too. Gaara made all sort of silly expressions. His reflection mimicked them. Gaara thought that the mirror was a fun plaything. He wondered why his Uncle Yashamaru had never given him one before. Gaara decided to hide it inside his cabinet.

Temari was happy to see that Gaara was having fun with her mirror. She decided to give it to him.

The next night, Yashamaru was still down with the flu. Since no one else had the guts to take care of Gaara, the young boy was able to sneak into Kankurou's room again. He woke his brother up.

Kankurou was freaked out to see his brother at the middle of the night. "Don't you ever sleep?" Kankurou asked.

"No." Gaara answered.

"What do you want?" Kankurou was wondering what his brother was doing in his room.

"My eyebrows, why are they like this?" Gaara rubbed his fuzzy eyebrows.

"I don't know."

"Why are yours like that?"

"They're just like that." Kankurou scratched his head. He suddenly thought of something. "You want your eyebrows to look like mine and Temari's?"

Gaara nodded. Even though he was only three years old, he knew that his eyebrows were not normal. He had seen that his Uncle Yashamaru, Kankurou and Temari had thin eyebrows.

Kankurou got out the shave and lotion he had nicked from his father. He faced Gaara. "Ok," he said. "I'll fix your eyebrows."

Kankurou rubbed the lotion on Gaara's eyebrows. He asked Gaara to lie down. "This will be quick," Kankurou assured him.

Kankurou shaved Gaara's eyebrows. Gaara liked the tickling sensation. "Uh-oh." Kankurou whispered. He had shaved off Gaara's whole left eyebrow!

"Is it over?" Gaara asked.

"Not yet." Kankurou took a deep breath and shaved off Gaara's right eyebrow. "Hair grows," Kankurou thought.

"Ok." Kankurou said aloud. "I'll just, uh, wipe off the lotion." He then rummaged around his cabinet for his Kabuki paint and a brush. He went back to where Gaara was lying and painted thin lines over his brother's eyes.

"There!" Kankurou announced. "Now, you have eyebrows like mine and Temari's!"

"May I see them?" Gaara asked excitedly.

"I don't have a mirror," Kankurou lied. "Go back to your room, someone might see you in here."

Gaara went back to his room and took out Temari's mirror from his cabinet. His eyebrows were thin already but why were they violet? "Maybe they'll become red in the morning," he thought. Gaara whiled away his time by making silly faces in front of the mirror.

Yashamaru was healed of the flu the following day. He went into Gaara's room and found the young boy holding something pink, plastic and circular…

"Gaara!" Yashamaru yelled. Gaara jumped up in shock. The mirror fell to the floor and broke.

Yashamaru's yell was so loud that the Kazekage, Temari and Kankurou rushed into the Gaara's room.

The Kazekage saw the broken pieces of the mirror. "What the hell!" he shouted.

"Gaara? Your eyebrows…" Temari pointed at Gaara's face.

"I am so dead," Kankurou thought.

The Kazekage looked at Gaara. "Violet paint," he said softly. "Kankurou!"

Kankurou gulped.

"My son! I'm so proud of you!" And with that, the Kazekage did something very un-Kazekage-ish. He hugged Kankurou.

"What in the name of Shuhaku is happening here?" Chiyo's voice called out. "Your screams were heard all over the household." The old woman walked into the room.

"Chiyo-sama! Look! Gaara no longer has any eyebrows! See how frightening he is! We already have the ultimate weapon!" the Kazekage announced excitedly.

"Yes, yes, but do you have to lose your dignity over something like that?" Chiyo scoffed. The Kazekage immediately resumed his usual cold and formal disposition. He bowed to Chiyo, then turned to Yashamaru. "Yashamaru, get that ridiculous paint off Gaara." He faced Temari and Kankurou. "You, two, go back to your rooms." The Kazekage walked out of the room.

"So early in the morning…" grumbled Chiyo. She went back to her room to meditate once again.

Temari and Kankurou left after Chiyo exited.

When everyone had left, Yashamaru went to the bathroom to get a face towel and wipe the violet pain off Gaara's face. "As if your eyebrows won't grow back," he mumbled. "The perfect weapon indeed! My sister didn't die in vain."

Contrary to Yashamaru's expectation, Gaara's eyebrows didn't grow back. In fact, Gaara grew scarier everyday because his lack of sleep caused the circles around his eyes to become darker. But now we all know why he doesn't have eyebrows. Kankurou shaved them off.

And by the way, do you also want to know why Kankurou wears face paint most of the time? Gaara shaves off his brother's eyebrows every now and then in retaliation for what Kankurou did to him. Yup, **every now and then**—you see, unlike Gaara, Kankurou's eyebrows grow back.


	2. Why Shino wears sunglasses

Orochimaru was up on stage and about to give a speech to the people of Naruto who did not have anything better to do with their lives (in other words, extras). Kabuto was right behind him. Suddenly, protestors put up their banners and boards proclaiming, "WE HATE OROCHIMARU!" "WE HATE SNAKES!" "WE HATE PURPLE!" "OROCHIMARU HAS NO FASHION SENSE!" and "WE HATE MICHAEL JACKSON!"

Uh-oh.

Orochimaru: (hissing) Kabuto, why is there a "We hate Michael Jackson!" sign over there?

Kabuto just shrugged.

Orochimaru: DIE you protestors, DIE!

He set his giant snake Manda upon them. After the giant snake swallowed all the protestors up, Orochimaru faced the audience (who were completely oblivious to what had just happened) once more and continued to give his speech.

Orochimaru: Extras! I am here before you to explain a few things about the characters of Naruto you may happen to see from time to time. I hope that this knowledge I am about to impart to you may help you rise above your lowly status as "people of Naruto who do not have anything better to do with their lives".

NOW, on with the story!

2nd Chapter: Why Shino wears sunglasses

Version One:

Many years ago, the head of the Aburame clan struck up a deal with the boss of bugs. We know that the Aburames could control bugs and in exchange, the insects would feed off from their owner's chakra. What we do not know is that the boss of bugs also demanded that the Aburame clan members' sight be taken away from them, too. The great bug told the Aburame head that the loss of their clan's sense of sight wouldn't matter since the bugs would serve as their eyes. The critters would also give them extra sensory perception. After thinking it over, the Aburame ancestor agreed to the bug boss' demands and so begun the Aburame's mutual relationship with _kikai_.

In conclusion, the members of the Aburame clan are blind. They use sunglasses to cover their eyes.

The usual mute audience of Orochimaru burst into loud protests and catcalls.

Extra 1: Boo!

Extra 2: What a lame story!

Orochimaru: (whispers to Kabuto) Why have these people suddenly come to life?

Kabuto just shrugged.

Orochimaru: Why is it all you do is shrug?

Kabuto just stared at Orochimaru. Orochimaru glared at his silent companion.

Since Orochimaru had nothing else to do for the time being, he continued to speak.

Orochimaru: (glares at the audience) You're all very lucky I've got more theories about Shino, you fools.

Version Two:

Many years ago, the Aburame family played host to a traveling wizard named Takius. She had appeared suddenly while the clan members were battling enemy ninja. With one blow of her terrible "Lightning Bolt!", the enemy ninja were all scorched to death. The clan head was astounded by her power so he begged her to stay a while at their place and teach them some techniques. Takius conceded and stayed with the Aburames for a whole year.

During the first week of her stay, the clan head noticed that she never took off the blindfold she wore over her eyes. Curious about their guest, the head of the Aburame clan asked her why she covered her eyes.

"I do this to seek the truth," Takius said.

"The truth?" the Aburame clan head echoed.

"Our sense of sight mars our sense of truth. Therefore, I decided to cut off all visual information by blindfolding myself." Takius felt that the Aburame clan head thought that she was crazy. "Ninjas," she thought, "will never understand this."

"Just put it this way," she explained. "Without my sense of sight, I have developed my other senses, smell, touch, hearing, taste even sensing other's emotions. All these have proved to be useful in battle. I am no longer fooled by visual distractions enemies usually throw to fool others."

The Aburame clan head pondered over this and decided that what she said was true. He also thought that her method of training could be useful to further develop his clan's bug-controlling abilities.

Takius seemed to read what was on the Aburame head's mind. "You say your clan can control bugs. However, I sense that you do not trust in your creatures completely, yet. This lack of trust causes your family members to fail in missions. You do not believe what your bugs tell you because what you see is different from what they see."

"Miss Takius, please help our clan learn your methods!" the Aburame clan head begged.

"Very well. I will devise a training formula. I will help you."

Takius' training method of blindfolding was passed on from generation to generation with one slight modification: instead of using a blindfold to cover the eyes, the Aburame family switched to shades. After all, one has to keep up with the times. Blindfolds were so passé.

Boos followed Orochimaru's narration.

Extra 1: That was so lame!

Orochimaru:These people are weird! Why are they so worked up over Shino?

Kabuto:Maybe because he's closer to being an extra rather than a main character.

Orochimaru:(looks at Kabuto, wide-eyed) Finally, you talked!

Kabuto:(ignores Orochimaru) These people feel for him. You'd better give them a better story Orochimaru-sama.

Orochimaru: Damn.


	3. Why Shino wears sunglasses, again

Version Three:

Young Shino had always wondered why his father always wore shades. His father wore them when he was out on missions. Even though it wasn't sunny, Shino's father kept his sunglasses on. He also wore them when he was inside the house.

"That's weird." Shino thought. "Maybe he's suffering from an incurable form of conjunctivitis."

Shino held on to this belief because he couldn't think of a better explanation. Until one day, his father called for him.

"Shino, I've noticed that you seem to distance yourself from me. Is there anything wrong? Did I hurt you in any way?" Shino's dad asked.

Young Shino blushed. "Dad, I just don't want to get conjunctivitis, too."

Shino's dad's eyes twitched. Of course, Shino did not see this.

"So…" Shino's father said.

Shino gulped. "I'm doomed," he thought.

"So… son, I do not have conjunctivitis. Look into my eyes." Shino's dad took off his sunglasses. Shino saw that his father's eyes were not red and puffy. They looked normal. Then suddenly Shino's father's eyes popped out of their sockets and rolled on the floor. Blood flowed out of the sockets. Terrified, Shino tried to run away from his father but he slipped on the blood that had spilled on to the floor. "NOOO!" Shino yelled as his father stuck his index fingers into the empty eye sockets and started to laugh maniacally.

"Hahaha! Fooled you, Shino!"

Shino opened his eyes and saw that there were no eyeballs and blood on the floor. His father had worn the shades once again.

"D-dad, w-what w-as t-that?"

Shino's dad frowned. "You're starting to sound like the Hyuuga heiress."

Shino pushed the comment aside. "Dad, what happened, was it real?"

"No son. I just demonstrated to you a jutsu only our clan can use, the Jagan or Evil Eye. You will attain it a week from now, on your seventh birthday. The Jagan was passed unto us when one of our ancestors married an Uchiha. It is an ability that enables us to induce minute-long hallucinations of our choosing in whomever we makes direct eye contact with. However, This ability is quite useless and irrelevant to us as ninja. No one in our clan has managed to successfully use the Jagan in battles because it counters our natural ability to command bugs.

This puzzled Shino. How could a precious jutsu such as the Jagan be useless to their clan?

"For some unknown reason, when the Jagan is used in battles, instead of affecting the enemy, the Jagan affects the user and his _kikai_." Shino's dad explained.

"But, how did you use it on me?"

"The Jagan worked because we were not battling each other."

"Useless…" Shino said.

"Well, not really. It comes in handy when dealing with your mother in... (sheepish laughter)… I'll tell you more about it when you're older."

"So that's why you wear shades, to avoid activating the Jagan upon yourself during missions?"

"Yes, son. Oh well, it's going to be your birthday next week but I'll be out on a mission so here's your present." Shino's dad gave his son a wrapped box. "Now go back to your training. I have to prepare my things for the mission."

On Shino's seventh birthday, he tore the wrapper off the box of his father's gift. He lifted the lid to reveal his father's gift: sunglasses.


	4. The Phantom of the Opera

**Disclaimer: **Hindi akin ang Naruto. Kay Masashi Kishimoto ito.**  
**

**Phantom of the Opera**

**Chapter One: Playing the role of the _Phantom…_**

"WHAT!"

Horrified voices rang out of the Hokage's office.

"You heard me. The Jounin and elite Chuunin will have to present a musical in the upcoming festival," Tsunade said, with a twinkle in her eye.

"But Hokage–sama, the students are always the ones who prepare a presentation for the festival," Umino Iruka reminded.

"Exactly," Tsunade replied. "It's about time the older ninja present, for a change." She gave them all an evil glare. The Jounin and Chuunin ninjas gulped.

"As you wish, Hokage-sama," they chorused.

"All right!" Tsunade clapped her hands together. "The musical I had in mind was _The Phantom of the Opera_." At this, several kunoichi and Maito Gai _oooohed_.

"Shizune will give you copies of the script." Shizune started handing out folders while the Godaime continued to speak. "She will also be our production manager. I will be your director."

Tsunade opened a fan and laughed evilly into it. Everyone was freaked out by the dark aura emanating from her.

"Playing the role of the _Phantom_," Shizune announced, "will be… HATAKE KAKASHI!"

"Huh? Me?" Kakashi looked up from his _Icha Icha Paradise_. "I don't sing."

"Oh yes you do," Tsunade pointed the fan at him. "We all watched your and Gai's singing contest at the Karaoke bar."

"IF KAKASHI WON'T PLAY THE PHANTOM, I WILL, HOKAGE-SAMA!" Gai bellowed. He then proceeded to dazzle the Godaime with his shiny, pearly-white teeth. Tsunade sweat dropped.

"No, Gai. The _Phantom_ has to be…"

"…sexy," whispered Yuuhi Kurenai to Suzume, the Chuunin who taught flower arrangement at the Ninja Academy. "I've seen the movie." The two women giggled.

"Ehem, the _Phantom_ has to act natural," Shizune explained. "Kakashi is the best candidate because he's the only teacher who always wears a mask, just like the _Phantom_."

"You could have gotten an ANBU member," Kakashi mumbled.

"Kakashi! You of all people should know the ANBU can't rest even on the Festival Day!"

"HATAKE KAKASHI! If you don't agree to become the _Phantom_, I will pull out your eyes so you won't be able to read your _Icha Icha_ books ever again." The air in the office grew chillier with every word Tsunade pronounced.

Kakashi's left eye widened. "Ok, I accept the role."

"Well, that's settled. Now for _Raoul_… Iruka and Asuma, oh, and yes, you too Gai," Shizune sighed. Konoha's green beast was jumping up and down with one hand raised into the air. "You three, stand side by side."

"Hmmm, Iruka fits into _Raoul_'s good guy image," Shiranui Genma whispered to his fellow examiner Morino Ibiki.

"Yeah, but judging from the looks of the kunoichi here, Asuma might get the role," Ibiki whispered back.

"Asuma should get the role," Kurenai said through gritted teeth.

"It's as if you're assuming you'll get the role of _Christine_," Suzume whispered jokingly.

"We'll see," Kurenai's red eyes flashed.

"Ok, I choose you, Sarutobi Asuma!" Tsunade announced.

"Now for _Madame Giry_, Inuzuka Tsume! And for the role of _Meg Giry_, Inuzuka Hana!" Shizune called out. Knowing that their protests would be futile, the Inuzuka mother and daughter sighed and resigned themselves to their roles.

Shizune continued to assign roles "_Monsieurs Andre and Clavel… _Shiranui Genma and Morino Ibiki!"

"I thought so, with Hayate gone already and Raido down with mumps," Genma sighed. Ibiki thumped him on the back.

"_Signor Piangigi_… Umino Iruka!"

"_Joseph__Bouquet_… Maito Gai!"

"NOOOO!"

"Gai, you fit into this role because, uh, you can lift props and curtains easily due to your, uh, Taijutsu training!" Shizune reasoned out.

"IS THAT SO? WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST! IF I FORGET ONE LINE OF MY SPEECH, I'LL HOP AROUND KONOHA ON ONE LEG, 500 TIMES!" Gai did his nice guy pose. Everyone sweat dropped.

"Duh, it's up to you," Tsunade mumbled.

"Now, for _Carlotta_," Shizune shouted, "Yuuhi Kurenai!"

"NOOOO!"

Everyone looked at Kurenai in surprise. "Kurenai, are you ill?" Tsunade asked. Suzume managed to turn her snort of laughter into a cough. _Poor Kurenai,_ she thought.

"Tsunade-sama, you have heard me sing, too. Isn't my voice good enough for…"

"Kurenai, your voice IS nice. It's very OPERATIC, very good for your role, _Carlotta_," Tsunade explained calmly.

"But _Christine Daae…_" Kurenai whimpered.

"_Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye…" _a sweet melodious voice came closer and closer to the Hokage's office. The heavy door burst open. The light that shone behind the figure at the doorway momentarily blinded Tsunade, Shizune and the Jounin and Chuunin teachers and examiners.

"WHOA! AM I THAT LATE?" Mitarashi Anko thundered at the silent public.

Tsunade cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have the pleasure to introduce to you, Miss_ Christine Daae._"

**Chapter Two: Prima Donna**

_Prima Donna, first lady of the stage_

_Your devotees are on their knees to implore you_**  
**

"I wonder why Kurenai-sensei's in such a bitchy mood again," Inuzuka Kiba thoughtfully mused with his hand on his chin.

"Arf!" Akamaru, Kiba's dog, scratched its ear with its hind leg.

His two teammates, Hyuuga Hinata and Aburame Shino (yes, even Shino!) hung their heads and sighed, "Anko-sensei."

Ever since the Fifth Hokage assigned the lead role of _Christine Daae_ to the said Chuunin examination proctor, Kurenai had been very disagreeable to everyone, very disagreeable indeed. If not for the love Team 8 had for its teacher, Hinata, Shino, Kiba and Akamaru wouldn't be in one of the Ninja Academy's classrooms making Kurenai's costumes. However, that love seemed to be fading faster than one could say "nakakapagpabagabag" :-)

"She's internalizing _Carlotta_'s character very well," Shino commented.

Kiba looked at his bug-controlling friend blankly. "Yeah, right." He rolled his eyes.

Hinata looked up from the pink cloth she was unfolding. "Kiba, have you seen the _Phantom of the Opera_ already?" she asked.

Kiba scratched his nose. "No. Akamaru and I are not into that sort of movie." Akamaru barked in agreement. "Why did you ask?" Kiba questioned Hinata.

Hinata twiddled her fingers. "Well, you see, Shino's got a point. Kurenai-sensei is acting very much like _Carlotta_."

Kiba sat on the floor, picked up Akamaru and scratched its belly. "Hmmm, really?" He was greatly interested in what Hinata was saying.

Annoyed with herself for twiddling her fingers when she had promised to break the habit, Hinata resumed unfolding the pink cloth. "_Carlotta _was jealous because _Christine_ got the role _Carlotta _was supposed to portray and the audience liked _Christine _better."

Kiba laughed. "I don't know about the 'audience liking _Christine_, ahem, Anko-sensei, better' part but Kurenai-sensei sure is like _Carlotta_!"

Hinata smiled at her teammate's amusement.

"Kiba…" a voice growled. Akamaru hid underneath Kiba's jacket. Kiba gulped then turned to face his red-eyed teacher. "Yes Kurenai-sensei?" he asked tentatively.

"Get back to work!" Kurenai snapped. "The costume has to be finished before the dress rehearsal this evening." She glared at her team then stalked out of the room. Akamaru poked his head out of Kiba's jacket after Kurenai had left.

"Kiba, are you alright?" Hinata whispered.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Sheesh! Kurenai-sensei does want that _Christine_ role badly." Kiba petted a whimpering Akamaru.

"Asuma-sensei is playing _Raoul_," Shino stated as though this would clear things up.

Once more, Kiba looked at the Shino blankly. "_Raoul_?"

"_Christine_'s childhood sweetheart," Hinata supplied helpfully.

"O-ho-ho-ho-ho!" Finally, light dawned upon Kiba. "O-ho-ho-ho-ho!" he continued to say. "What about the _Phantom_? Kakashi-sensei got the role, right?" Kiba asked with a big doggie grin on his face.

"The _Phantom_ is _Christine_'s obsessed teacher, admirer and stalker," Shino said.

"O-ho-ho-ho-ho!'

"The _Phantom_ and _Christine _have a lot of scenes together but _Christine_ went with _Raoul_ in the end," Hinata added.

"Ah, now I understand." Kiba nodded wisely.

"Kurenai-sensei has confused fact with fiction," Shino concluded gravely.

"Um, guys, we'd better start Kurenai-sensei's costume. She might get angry again," Hinata suggested after she had unfolded the HUGE pink cloth and brought out the needles, thread and other trinkets such as lace, buttons and sequins.

"Yah! Go Akamaru!" Kiba and Akamaru grabbed both ends of the immense piece of cloth and threw it high into the air.

"Shugohakke Rokujūyon Shō!" Hinata's chakra rays caught the cloth. She started to cut it according to the dress pattern with 99.9 precision and accuracy.

Bugs came out of Shino, who had been staring at the picture of a pink dress since Hinata started explaining _Carlotta_'s part to Kiba. The critters caught the falling pieces of cloth and swarmed around each one. The smaller swarms merged to form a large, black, glittery mass. The insects returned to Shino, revealing a…

"Oh my! What a beautiful dress!" Kurenai was back from who knows where. Both hands were held over her mouth and tears were brimming out of her eyes.

Shino turned his head towards his teacher. Hinata smiled nervously and started twiddling her fingers unconsciously. Kiba warily stared at Kurenai. Akamaru hid under Kiba's jacket once more.

Kurenai ran towards her group and squeezed the children and dog into a bone-crunching hug. "Awww guys, I'm so sorry for being mean to you these past few days. Please forgive me."

"Yes Kurenai-sensei! We forgive you!" Team 8 gasped.

Kurenai released the kids and animal from her death grip. "Wahaha! Wait 'til I show Anko that my costume is WAY better than hers!" Kurenai grabbed the dress and rushed out of he room, laughing like a mad woman.

"I thought I would die of suffocation back there." Kiba inhaled deeply. He looked at the dog that poked its nose out of his jacket. "Are you alright, Akamaru?" Akamaru was panting heavily.

"One moment she'll yell at you then she'll comeback crying and asking for forgiveness," Kiba complained. "But now I fully understand why she's going nuts."

"You did notice she's having her period," Shino sympathized. "My bugs told me."

"Yeah, Akamaru and I sniffed it, too."

"What are you two talking about?" Hinata looked at her teammates resentfully.

The two boys sighed, "It's a girl thing."

Hinata sweat dropped. "Guys, I'm a girl," she reminded them.

"..."

"Uh, he-he-he."

"Arf?"

**Chapter Three: Stranger than you dreamt it**

"Tell me again why we're here," one very pissed off Hyuuga Neji muttered to his female teammate.

Tenten sighed. "Calm down, Neji. One of the veins around your eyes might pop if you don't."

The two were sitting under the shade of the trees in their favorite training spot watching…

"GAI-SENSEI, I THINK YOU'VE FINALLY GOT THE HANG OF IT." Rock Lee looked up at his teacher with big, adoring eyes.

"IS THAT SO, LEE? DO I ALREADY SWAY NATURALLY?" Gai was swinging from the branch of a tall tree as gracefully as the rope around his neck would permit him.

"Why does he have to practice this HARD? He's just going to DIE in that scene," Neji said through gritted teeth.

Tenten shrugged. "Neji, do you know the saying, 'If you can't beat them, join them'?"

Neji suddenly activated his Byakugan and faced a very surprised and nervous Tenten.

"Ne-neji… don't look at me like that…" She stood up and slowly backed away from the longhaired boy as dark aura started to come out of him.

"Oh Tenten!" Neji said in a very dramatic tone. He kneeled in front of her and looked straight into her shocked brown eyes. "You cannot possibly think of joining Gai-sensei and Lee! What would become of me?" he pleaded with both hands clasped together as though in prayer. He tried to pull a cute puppy face stunt… and failed miserably. (Yeah, how could Neji do that with eyes like his?)

"AAAH!" Tenten screamed. She grabbed the crazed Hyuuga's shoulders and shook him just like what she always did to Lee. After slapping Neji across the face several times, the distressed kunoichi laid the Hyuuga prodigy flat on the ground.

"Neji, are you alright?" She felt his neck to check his temperature. "You don't seem to have a fever." She then proceeded to place her ear over his chest to check his breathing. Tenten frowned. He was breathing faster than what was normal (What would you expect of someone who had been shaken badly and slapped across the face several times?) but his breaths were regular.

_Hmmm… _Neji thought, _maybe I should do this more often…_

Tenten got up and looked at her teammate sadly. "Someone has activated your cursed seal and now you're out of your mind."

…Maybe not, Neji thought. He frowned then sat up. "I was just following your advice," he told Tenten in his usual quiet voice. 

"Eh?" Tenten raised an eyebrow.

Neji shrugged. "If you can't beat them, join them?"

Tenten looked at her genius of a teammate incredulously. She was desperately torn between activating her scroll and hurling all her weapons at him, and hugging him and laughing at his highly unexpected and unusual yet amusing and endearing outburst.

Fortunately or unfortunately for Neji, their great green teacher barged into the scene.

"Gai-sensei, You're getting into you're role very well!" Lee was cheering. "Wait a sec. TENTEN! NEJI! GAI-SENSEI'S TURNING BLUE!"

At these words, Tenten and Neji rushed to Lee's side. The brown haired kunoichi deftly threw her kunai at the lasso to release Gai from its evil clutches while Neji held Lee back from embracing their teacher and causing more damage. Gai coughed then sat up. He looked at the concerned faces of Tenten and Lee and at the emotionless face of Neji.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried out.

"LEE!" Gai cried back.

"THAT is why were here," Tenten reminded Neji for the umpteenth time as they watched their two green team members hug each other and flood the world with their tears while waves crashed in the background. "We have to save Gai-sensei from actually DYING while practicing."

"But won't Gai-sensei die in the actual play if he can't hang around for more than five minutes?" Neji mused.

Tenten looked at him as though tentacles had started to come out of his nose.

"I mean, no one seems to be keen on getting him down except us and we're not allowed to go on stage to cut the rope when he starts turning blue," Neji whispered.

Unluckily, Gai heard these words.

"HYUUGA NEJI! YOU ARE INDEED A GENIUS! YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES TO A FLAW IN THESE SEEMINGLY PERFECT PRACTICES! I MUST LEARN HOW TO **HOLD MY BREATH**!" Gai flashed them his trademark close-up smile.

"GAI-SENSEI! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" Lee asked his idol.

"WHY LEE! I MUST PRACTICE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

The two figures in green spandex hugged each other as the "setting sun and crashing waves" background appeared once more.

"Great, Neji. Just great." It was now Tenten's turn to seethe with anger.

"WHAT DID I DO?" Neji looked up at the sky as he sank into his knees and raised his hands to the heavens. The poor boy's figure grew smaller and smaller as the view zoomed out to include the training grounds, the whole village of Konoha, the Fire country, the map of the Naruto world, the planet Earth, the Solar System, the Milky Way… (Ok, this is too much. But you do get the point, don't you?)

**Chapter Four: Missing **

Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura were hanging out at the red bridge, waiting for their ever-late teacher to show up.

"Kakashi-sensei is late, as usual," Sakura complained. "If he doesn't come to practices on time, he'll have a hard time singing his lines!"

Naruto scratched his head. "I don't know why you're so worried, Sakura-chan. The _Phantom_ does not sing in the movie I watched. In fact, I don't know why Baa-chan (Tsunade) chose Kakashi-sensei because 'he wears a mask always'," Naruto mimicked. "The _Phantom _does not wear a mask!"

"Eh? What version of the _Phantom _did you watch, Naruto?" Sakura inquired.

"There are many versions?"

"Yeah! There's the silent movie, several scary ones then finally, the musical!"

"Uh, do rats count as scary?

"Rats?" Sakura looked puzzled for a fraction of a second. Then…

"NARUTO! YOU WATCHED THE **RATS** VERSION OF _THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!_" The sky darkened. Lightning crashed and thunder rolled.

(Time out! In this version of _the Phantom of the Opera_, the _Phantom_ had power over rats. He and Christine made out in that movie.)

"Aieee! You pervert!" Sakura boxed Naruto very forcefully. The poor boy flew out of the bridge and landed into the stream below.

**Aieee, Sakura, you hypocrite. So that means you watched the Rats version, too, didn't you? **Inner Sakura snickered. Sakura's whole face turned red.

The passers-by went on with their lives as though nothing disastrous had happened. It was a common scene for them, anyway: the white-haired, masked Jounin teacher arriving late, the pink-haired girl and the blonde boy bickering while they waited for their teacher, and their other teammate, a black-haired boy, looking uninterested… but Uchiha Sasuke was no longer there anymore.

Sakura seemed to watch the stream under the bridge flow merrily while she thought about their lost teammate. Naruto had already heaved himself out of the water and climbed back up to the bridge. He settled beside Sakura and leaned over the railings.

"Ero-sennin (Jiraiya) should be back one of these days," Naruto said. Sakura looked at him. "When he returns," Naruto continued, "I'll leave with him so that I could train harder and keep my promise to you, Sakura. I will get Sasuke back." He thrust his fist towards Sakura. "That's my way of becoming a ninja!"

Sakura smiled. "Naruto, when you come back, we'll both find Sasuke and bring him back. It's a promise!" She thrust her fist forward and hit Naruto's outstretched hand.

"ALL RIGHT!" the two yelled. They punched their fists into the air. Raging chakra came out of their bodies.

"I hope Ero-sennin will return after the Festival so I can watch Kakashi-sensei perform!" shouted Naruto, as fireballs replaced the blue pupils of his eyes.

"But there won't be any _Phantom_ if Kakashi-sensei does not practice his lines!" Similar fireballs appeared in Sakura's eyes.

"LET"S FIND KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Sakura and Naruto yelled. The two remaining genin of Team 7 jumped over Konoha's rooftops in search of their missing teacher.

Just where was Kakashi? Surprisingly, he was not standing before his best friend's grave. He was also not staring at the huge billboard that announced NOW ON ITS SECOND WEEK! _ICHA ICHA PARADISE the movie_. Kakashi was not at Ichiraku's ramen stand, the Korean barbeque restaurant, or even at the Ninja Academy. Where could he be?

"_Aaaaa…" _Anko's melodious voice rang out of her apartment.

"_Sing for me!" _a deep voice commanded.

Anko raised her voice one octave higher. "_Aaaaa…_" her voice continued to go higher and higher. The song "_The Phantom of the Opera" _was about to reach its climax…

"AAAAH! I can't take it anymore!" Anko yelled. Kakashi immediately turned off the CD player.

"Anko…" Kakashi started.

"Kakashi, don't lecture me about my voice being alright and all and that I just need to boost my confidence because THAT"S NOT IT!"

"That's not what?"

"That's not the reason I want to quit!" Anko pouted.

"OK. Why do you want to quit?" Kakashi asked.

"So I can have a peaceful life once more!"

Kakashi cocked his head at Anko. _What peaceful life is she talking about?_ Kakashi thought. Anko led a life that was far from peaceful.

"Well, more peaceful than what it is now." Anko answered Kakashi's skeptical look. "I'll just give the role to Kurenai…"

"Ah! So Kurenai's behind this again, eh?" Kakashi exclaimed. "Didn't I tell you not to mind her?"

"Well I've already told her to go to hell; I don't have any intention of snatching Asuma away from her." Kakashi smirked at this. "But she just won't stop." Anko's eye suddenly held an evil glint. "Well, we'll see. Two can play her nasty game."

Kakashi's normal eye twitched.

"Just yesterday, she came to me to show off how nice her costume was and she told me her students made it for her." Anko sighed. Kakashi honestly didn't know where this conversation was heading.

Anko continued to speak. "It made me realize that though I have costumes already, I don't have students who cheer for me, who'll take care of my hair, my make-up…"

Kakashi let out a sigh of relief. In the days that he had been practicing with Anko, he had found out that the tough Chuunin exams proctor had a soft spot in her heart, too. Instead of lessening his regard of her, though, this increased his esteem for her. Her doubts made her human and they made him admire her for her courage to face problems head-on.

"…and yeah, my shabby costumes," Anko concluded.

"Your costumes are not shabby." Kakashi stated.

"They will be if placed beside Kurenai's."

"I was under the impression you never cared for your looks," Kakashi teased.

"Ha-ha-ha, Kakashi." Anko said sarcastically. "Honestly, I don't make a fuss over how I look. If you've been really _Anko did the quotation mark sign with matching sound effects_ looking underneath the underneath _quotation mark_ of what I've been saying, I'm just wondering how it must feel to have students.

"You want to become a teacher, too?" Kakashi asked.

"Hell, yeah!" said Anko excitedly. "But the elders don't trust me," she said later in a much more sober tone. "Parents won't, too, given my past… affiliations. Hell, I won't even trust myself!" Anko derided herself. "You're very lucky they made you a teacher. As for me, I seem to have missed out a lot."

Kakashi walked towards Anko. He enjoyed these candid confessions.

"Kakashi, how does it feel to have students?"

"Well, things can be annoying…" The masked ninja was now standing in front of her.

Anko laughed. "Yeah, with a brat like Naruto."

"…yet fun, too." He thought of the time his team followed him around to find out what lay beneath his mask. "Of course, you'll always worry about them especially when on dangerous missions. But you'll feel a sense of achievement when they've learned new skills or demonstrated teamwork."

Kakashi's brow darkened. "There'll be disappointment, too." Anko looked up at Kakashi and saw the sadness in his eye. "You'll wonder where you went wrong as a teacher."

Anko pushed Kakashi's forehead protector up to uncover his Sharingan eye. His sorrow was evident in both eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Very gently, she stroked his cheek.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Naruto and Sakura barged in.

Kakashi and Anko immediately jumped away from each other.

"Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing here?" Naruto yelled.

"We were practicing, you brat!" Anko yelled back.

The white-haired Jounin looked at Sakura, who was watching Naruto and Anko's dangerous exchange of words warily. A light bulb lit above the Jounin teacher's head.

"Sakura?"

"Y-yes, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Could you ask Ino…"

**Chapter 5: The Mirror**

_Flattering child, you shall know me. See why in shadow I hide. Look at your face in the mirror. I am there inside._

"Guns?"

Sakura raised an eyebrow. Ino pointed at the hair dryer. Sakura just rolled her eyes. "Check," she replied.

Ino grinned, "Ammunition?"

"What?" Sakura asked. "Ino, don't make this sound like a spy movie."

"I can't help it!" Ino exclaimed. "How many times in our life do you think we'll be able to do this?

Sakura had to agree with her friend.

"All right," Ino whispered to her companion. "The target is approaching our location in 10…9…8… Sakura, ready for the ambush?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"3…2…1… Go!"

The two kunoichi kidnapped their unwary victim, brought her to one of the Ninja Academy's classrooms-turned-dressing-rooms and began their torture… er… whatever.

Their victim was unusually quiet throughout the whole ordeal. This made Ino and Sakura nervous as they worked. But the two girls' eyes were keen, their hands swift and sure. Each stroke they delivered brought a flush of pink on the victim's cheeks and a touch of crimson on her lips; deft brushes brought out a silky shine in her usually dull hair. After an hour of torture, the two girls made their victim take off her clothes and get into an off-shoulder white gown. Finally, Ino and Sakura let Anko take a glimpse of herself in a full-length mirror.

Somehow, the girls were able to tame the Chuunin examiner's unruly hair. It was let down in soft purple waves over Anko's bare shoulders. The two genin held their breaths as they awaited for Anko's reaction.

**Author's notes: **As you can see, this story was made a long time ago, when it was the height of the Phantom of the Opera movie fame. Oh my, that makes it almost 2 years ago? It was originally supposed to be my version of what Naruto's gang was up to during the 3 months Jiraiya was gone. But now, a lot of changes have happened in the manga especially about Kurenai and Asuma... (spoiler ba ito? hehe!) Maybe I'll continue it later, maybe I won't. It all depends if I get bright ideas again. So for now, here is this story will be part of _Orochimaru's Bedtime Stories._


	5. Uchiha Sasuke and the Sorceror's Stone

Story ideas:

Uchiha Sasuke and the Sorceror's Stone

Naruto ala Harry Potter

Sasuke enters Hogwarts. (By the way, Orochimaru, Jiraiya and Tsunade are the three founders of the Ninja academy, Hogwarts. Hogwarts is located in the village of Konoha. Konoha is ruled by the Hokage. The current Hokage is Sarutobi. Hogwarts' headmaster is Jiraiya. Deputy headmistress is Tsunade. Teachers to follow.) Trouble issues because of Orochimaru's Chamber of Secrets. Orochimaru creates havoc using his basilisk in order to steal the Sorceror's stone and take over Konoha. However, he fails because:

Sasuke manages to kill the basilisk but the basilisk manages to sink one of its fangs into Sasuke and give him the cursed seal and

the Third Hokage destroys the Sorceror's stone and seals the soul of Orochimaru's hands. However, he dies in the process.

Tsunade, deputy headmistress, now becomes the Fifth Hokage since Jiraiya, the headmaster didn't want to leave Hogwarts because he loves it. (Nah, he just loves all those high school girls.)

Later on, Itachi escapes Azkaban and rejoins the Akatsuki aka Death Eaters (missing nin, no connection whatsoever to Voldemort). Before that, though, Itachi hides near Hogwarts just to annoy Sasuke. Sasuke fights him but loses because he isn't strong enough yet. Due to this and the cursed seal, Sasuke leaves Konoha and joins Orochimaru.

The End

Crazy Ideas

Through the Pensieve, Jiraiya shows Tsunade Kimimaru's memory Jiraiya was able to extract before Kimimaru died. It's the one when Kimimaru wanted to stab the flower then Orochimaru came and asked Kimimaru to join him. (Yup, the one when Orochimaru touched Kimimaru's cheek (?) fondled his ear (?) and Kimimaru blushed). Tsunade comes out slightly sick with what she saw and blames Jiraiya for Orochimaru's homosexuality. Why? Coz Jiraiya forced Orochimaru to join him peek at naked bodies. Jiraiya retorts that he did that to cure Orochimaru of his gayness. Tsunade says that instead of making Orochimaru attracted to women, Jiraiya taught him the art on sneaking up on unwary children.

Tsunade thinks that summoning Itachi to Konoha will bring Sasuke back. Itachi does come and talks to Tsunade. (Sasuke's rabid fan girls start rooting for Itachi. Sakura scoffs at them.) Tsunade then tells him of the predicament. When he finds out what his brother did, he says, "Foolish little brother," then he smirks. Naruto gets furious and calls him heartless because he isn't concerned about his brother and even manages to smirk. Itachi says that's not it, he's happy since now that Sasuke has joined Orochimaru, Itachi is now the coolest Uchiha ever. Everyone wonders what he means. Itachi explains that Orochimaru has absolutely no sense of fashion ("Just look at him. What is it with purple eyeshadow? And why is it applied that way? Look at what he does to his disciples. He gives them a cursed seal that spreads over their bodies and destroys their skin. When they activate the seal's next level, they turn into ugly monsters. And what's with the eye. The Sharingan is way much cooler. Uber cool. So far, Kabuto seems to be the only one who's managed to avoid disfiguring himself.") Sakura then gets the fact that Itachi killed his best friend to get the Mangekyou sharingan because it's super cool. Itachi smiles and says its true, and that he killed his whole family because they were a bunch of uncool people. He spared his brother just so that he could annoy Sasuke and see what Sasuke would do to try and beat Itachi at his coolness. But now that he's found out Sasuke joined Orochimaru, he has reaffirmed to the world that Itachi is the coolest Uchiha ever. Hinata points out that Itachi can't be the coolest Uchiha. Uchiha Itachi glared at her. "And may I ask why?" "Um, be-because you killed your entire family and only left Sasuke, that makes you only two Uchihas left so you can't be the coolest because that's in the superlative and you can't use the superlative if you are comparing only two things." She quailed at the look Itachi gave her but managed to squeak out these final words. "S-so you're just coo-cooler than Sasuke." Itachi was astounded. "Damn," he thought. "Now I can't be the coolest." He Apparates out of Konoha.

Down and depressed, Itachi thinks about what Hinata said. He realizes that since Kakashi has a Sharingan eye, he could be counted as a Uchiha, too. Then he could still be the coolest! He had to admit that Sasuke would be cooler than Kakashi since Kakashi had only one Sharingan.

Pampahaba

Meanwhile, Hogwarts hosts the InterNaruto World contest (Triwizard) With his morale up again, Itachi and the Akatsuki use this event to gather the Horcruxes (Jinchuuriki). They capture Gaara and get his one-tail Shukaku but Naruto manages to save Gaara. To be continued.


	6. Akatsuki High School Host Club

Akatsuki High School Host Club

Hidan: WTF are we doing?

Sasori: I don't know. But don't complain.

Hidan: Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?

Sasori: Aren't you, too?

Hidan: &(! Of course I'm not! My head is just buried somewhere in a forest.

Tobi: SILENCE!

Sasori: Who's that?

Tobi: He's that moron who replaced you. (frowns) He seems to be out of character today.

Pein: Ahem.

Tobi: Sorry sir! Tobi is a good boy. He just wants everyone to settle down for your meeting.

Pein: Let the meeting commence.

(Akatsuki gathers.)

Pein: You are surely surprised that among our ranks are members who we thought have passed away. They have been called back from the netherworld by a force that is out of this world that we, the Akatsuki, may complete this seemingly impossible task before us.

Konan! You shall now be known as Fujioka Haruhi.

Kakuzu, you will now become Ootori Kyouya.

Sasori, you are now Morinozuka Takashi while your partner, Deidara is now Haninozuka Mitsukuni.

Zetsu, you are now Hikaru and Kaoru, the Hitachiin twins.

As for Suou Tamaki… that would be me.

Hidan: Now wait just a second. What the FG hell was that crap you blurted out?

Pein: Those are the members of the Akatsuki High School Host Club. It's a new series that was created by some stupid writer who unfortunately is more powerful than us.

Hidan: I don't FG believe it.

Sasori: Yarrgh! Believe it.

(Everyone looks at Sasori strangely.)

Sasori: What? You've never heard of the Naruto Shippuuden Abridged series?

A/N: A very random idea. Absolutely no plot.


	7. Immortality

**Chapter ??: Why almost all the Akatsuki members are obsessed with immortality**

First, we have Tobi, who is actually Uchiha Madara. He's supposedly immortal.

Next is Pein. The manga doesn't say if he is immortal but for argument's sake, having six bodies makes him obsessed with immortality, too.

Hidan isn't dead. His head is just buried somewhere in the Nara forest reserve.

His partner, Kakuzu, implanted five hearts on himself so he could become immortal.

Sasori turned himself into a puppet. That makes him a contender for the immortality game.

His former partner, Orochimaru, was obsessed with getting Sasuke's body. We all know the Snake sannin's reason.

Itachi wants to get Sasuke's eyes in order to obtain everlasting Mangekyou Sharingan, just like Madara, who is supposedly immortal.

So it seems that those who didn't join the race are Konan, Deidara, Kisame and Zetsu.

Now why are the rest of the Akatsuki so bent on living forever?

You'll be surprised to find out that it's not because of their dream of world domination,

The answer is quite simple that it might shock you.

They're scared of_going to **hell**_

**LOL.**

Once upon a time, these powerful and scary Akatsuki members used to be weak and unskilled people. However, they already had twisted, loony minds. Some people in their respective families and villages harmed them or simply pissed them off, yet they were unable to kill those said people at the time due to their lack of awesome ninja skills. Instead of waiting for the day they would become stronger and defeat those people like any sane villain would, they contacted the person who would instantly bring the person tormenting them into hell. That's right, they contacted Enma Ai. Her warning, "When one is cursed, two graves are dug," entered one ear and exited the other.

Like the kids who failed the classic marshmallow test, these Akatsuki members had no qualms about pulling the red string from the straw doll Ai offered them. It was only years later, when they discovered they could be amazing ninjas that they regretted their decision. It was only then that the full meaning of the words, "When your body dies, your soul will be taken into hell as well," sunk into their thick skulls.

It was not like they wouldn't go to hell anyway, after all the atrocities they had done to their families and villages. Still, maybe they had this hope of redemption but the thought that they would be cursed to go straight to hell even if they repented drove them crazy. Crazy enough to crave immortality, which was the only way they could avoid death, and therefore, hell.

**LOL.**

**Crazy.**

**A/N: I seriously don't know how I thought of this. Arrgh! **


	8. Puss in Spandex

Title: **Puss in Spandex**  
Category: Anime/Manga » Naruto  
Author: gyuunmaesan  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+  
Genre: General/Humor  
Published: 10-26-05, Updated: 10-26-06  
Chapters: 3, Words: 3,075

* * *

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there lived a businessman with three sons. The eldest son, Itachi, wanting to grab his father's whole wealth, murdered the old man, ran off with the land titles, bank pass books and other the important papers and joined other criminals to form the Akatsuki Organization. The second son, Sasuke, vowed to avenge his father and regain their family's wealth so he went to the village of Sound to join Orochimaru in order to learn the terroristic combat and survival skills he needed to break up the Akatsuki and kill his brother. The third son, being saner than the two psychotic elder brothers, though not blessed with their good looks, decided not to run after the lost fortune and instead, make his own fortune. Such was the determination of Rock Lee. Thus, one day, he packed what few belongings he had and, slinging his backpack over his shoulders, lead a flock of sheep to lands far, far, away. He vowed to never return home until he became a distinguished man.

Joining him in his travels was a cat; the only thing belonging to his father that Itachi did not take or destroy. At first, he had doubts about taking the cat along with him. He did not want the creature to experience the hardships were sure to come along his way. He tried giving the cat away but everyone except the young girl at Ichiraku's ramen stand seemed to be scared of it. Lee was puzzled. His cat was very loving and cute. It did not have lice on it because Lee gave it a bath every week. Why, he even brushed its fur so that the cat was quite a sight: shining, shimmering, splendid. The young boy did not seem to notice that his cat's pure black coat scared most of the superstitious villagers.

"Kitty, why don't you just go with Ayame? She says she needs a cat to keep the mice away from the stand. Plus think of all the yummy food you can get, after all, this is Ichiraku, the best ramen in Konoha!"

"Meow." The cat gave Lee that large, watery-eyed look reminiscent of Puss in Shrek 2, begging Lee not to leave it behind. Lee was almost moved to tears but he would not be swayed.

"Kitty, many hardships will come my way. I no longer have a roof above my head. I will subsist only on the food that I can find along my way, may they be the fruits from the trees, the root crops beneath the soil or the poor rabbits and quails that are unfortunate enough to come across my path… Do not worry; I will come back someday to reclaim you, when I have already become a great person…"

As Lee was busy reciting his pitiful oration, the third Hokage came by to eat at the famous ramen house. He overheard the young boy's lament and, being the kind-hearted leader that he was, called Rock Lee and told the young man to eat ramen with him. Lee tried to refuse the village leader's offer but his stomach grumbled. The Sandaime smiled and said, "Don't worry, I'll pay for your meal."

After the two ate their ramen, Sarutobi took out his pipe and started to smoke. He thoughtfully looked at Lee stroking the cat, which was taking a nap on his lap.

"Lee, you are planning to leave Konoha?"

"Yes, sir," Lee replied.

"You know, it's very hard to travel when you don't have money."

Lee hung his head. Sarutobi noticed this and chuckled.

"Don't look so down, I know a job that will enable you to travel."

Lee's eyes lit up. The Sandaime continued to speak.

"Everyone knows that I have a large flock of sheep. In fact, my flock is so large that I don't have enough shepherds for them. What would you say if I **gave** you sixty sheep for you to tend?"

"No, Hokage-sama, I don't have the money to buy sixty sheep…"

"All right, I'm loaning them to you. Pay me back when you come home and become a distinguished person already."

Lee's eyes were filled with tears.

"Hokage-sama, I have heard of your greatness but never of your kindness. Thank you so much! I promise to take care of your sheep and pay you when I come back after I have done great deeds!"

The cat meowed loudly as though rejoicing for his master's good fortune.

"All right, come to me before dawn tomorrow," the Hokage said as stood up to leave. "And Lee," he continued.

"Yes, Hokage-sama!"

The village head looked at the cat, which was rubbing itself on its master's legs.

"Don't bother about giving that cat away. Take it along with you. It will bring you good luck."

The cat grinned. Its teeth sparkled in the afternoon sun.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Give me a Green Spandex Suit**

The third Hokage was right; being a shepherd enabled Lee to travel and have a job at the same time. The only things that concerned the sheep were food and water. As long as the boy knew how to find the best pastures, they would be his friends. They were content with just food and water and, in exchange, they generously gave of their wool, their company, and once in a while, their meat.

It was on Lee's travels that he noticed something unusual about his cat. Lee had been worried at first about the wolves and other predators they would meet on their way but his dilemma was solved during his first night as a shepherd.

Lee shivered. The sheep suddenly stopped bleating. A pair of gleaming eyes that did not belong to the cat shone out of the dark. The creature's eyes narrowed. The shepherd braced himself for the oncoming attack. Though he knew taijutsu, he was still a bit nervous. _I must protect the sheep and Kitty at all costs!_ he told himself. Another pair of gleaming eyes appeared beside the previous pair. _Damn it!_ _Which animal must I attack first? _The two predators sprang into the air. Lee kicked and stunned the wolf to his right. He searched for the other wolf. He had expected it to take away one of his sheep while he was busy fighting with its partner. Imagine his surprise when he saw it lying on the ground, unconscious. He was even more surprised when he saw Kitty standing up on its two hind legs as though it was human. "Whew, that was easy," the cat said. _Wait a minute, did my cat just TALK? _Lee's eyes widened. The cat faced him. "Master, are you all right?" Its eyes were full of concern. _Oh my God…_ And for the first time in his life, Lee fainted.

Lee woke up to his cat's wailings and meowings. "Oh my youthful master! Why have you forsaken me? Your bright flame was extinguished so quickly! Woe unto me for speaking in front of you! You died of shock! Forgive me, dear kind Master!

Although Lee wanted to faint again after hearing this speech from his cat, he got up and looked at it curiously. "Kitty, you can talk?" he asked his cat.

The cat continued to wail, "Fate, how cruel of you! Even after death my poor master still calls me Kitty? Why did you not reveal to him that my true name is Gai? Hu-hu-hu-hu…"

Lee was even more shocked to hear this. "Your name is Gai?" Tears started to flow out of his eyes. "Oh my poor Kitty, forgive me for I did not know this valuable piece of information! Oh, how long have we tormented you with that horrid, horrible name. Oh Gai!"

And with that Lee hugged his cat.

"Master, you're breathing. You're ALIVE!"

And with that, Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

From then on, Lee had a companion in his travels with the sheep. Not only did Lee gain a fellow protector for his sheep; he also gained a lively, talkative friend. Not a dull moment passed with Gai around to do silly antics and make ludicrous speeches about youth, springtime and burning flames. Though Lee laughed at all of Gai's crazy antics, the young boy admired his cat's courage and determination. If before, he was merely fond of the cat, he now respected and treated it as an equal.

One day, the cat made a strange request.

"My youthful master, if you will give me a green spandex suit, we will always have good luck."

Lee raised one of his thick eyebrows at this. He then shrugged it off as another one of Gai's fantastic whims. "Why would you need a green spandex suit?"

"Master, I cannot explain why I need one. But please, give me a green spandex suit so that we will always have good luck."

Since Lee was very fond of Gai, he said, "Very well, I will look for one when we reach the next town."

Rock Lee found a green spandex suit in a shop that sold doll's clothes. After paying for it, he gave it to Gai who was waiting at the town inn. The cat wore the suit and then, as if by magic, a whole set of accessories appeared! There were orange socks and arm warmers, a pair of blue sandals, a red belt with Konoha's enblem on the shiny silver buckle, a bag of shuriken and a green vest with many pockets. Dressed in his new clothes, the cat looked quite splendid. Gai walked around, showing off his new clothes. Lee's eyes welled up with tears. He was very proud of his cat.

"Oh, Gai!"

"Master Lee!"

Lee hugged his cat. Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

"We must have a celebration!" Lee shouted after he came back to his senses. "Gai, I will treat you to dinner at _Marina's Tail_. They say that it's the best seafood place in this town."

"Meow! Thank you master!"

The two set off for the said restaurant. Gai received a lot of highly amused stares because of his clothing. One pair of eyes however, did not find the scene entertaining. A dark hooded figure followed the cat and his master to _Marina's Tail_.

"I'm sorry, sir. Pets, especially pet cats, are not allowed inside." A waiter blocked Lee and Gai's entrance to _Marina's Tail._

"Oh, I assure you my cat will not cause trouble. He is very well trained," Lee answered. He was getting frustrated. Two customers had already been allowed inside though he thought they looked more suspicious than he and his cat. The waiter looked at Lee skeptically. _As if dressing his cat up would fool me!_ The waiter thought.

"If you won't allow us in..." Gai's voice trailed off. The waiter was taken aback. "Master, let's just go back to the inn," Gai said. The waiter staared at Gai. A talking cat! Maybe he was in the presence of a necromancer! _I shouldn't mess with these two,_ he thought.

"All right, I believe you," he said out loud. Lee and Gai grinned. Their teeth sparkled. The two were led to a table by a window that held a spectacular view of the pier. After settling down, Lee ordered a large dish of seafood chopsuey. After their meal, the two sang at the restaurant's videoke bar.

_And now, the end is near…_

The unseperable pair sang karaoke's great classic, Frank Sinatra's "My Way".

_I did it MY WAAAAaaaayyyyy!_

A dozen songs later, Gai noticed that his master began to hiccough. After Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca, Lee's speech was starting to slur. What happened? Gai was pretty sure they did not order alcoholic beverages. He sniffed Lee's glass of Coke. Something was not right.

"Waiter," the cat called. The waiter came right away. He was afraid to displease the "necromancer".

"I think my Master's drink was spiked with something alcoholic." He gave the glass to the waiter. The waiter nervously sniffed it then nodded. "Did something happen to you before you served our drinks?"

"Well…" the waiter said slowly, a troubled look in his eyes, "as I was bringing out your drinks, I _did_ get distracted for a moment. I put your orders down here," he said as he tapped the waiter's station, "while I ran to do the Heimlich maneuver on a customer who choked over her lobster."

"Couldn't someone else have helped her?"

"Well sir, she was very pretty and wore a tube top, if you get what I mean…" the waiter clapped his hand to his mouth.

"O-ho-ho! No need to feel ashamed young man." Gai winked. "I understand the amorous callings during one's springtime of youth. However," Gai became serious again. "You must help me now. As you can see, I am too small to carry my master home. It is essential that we get my master out of here at once, before…"

"HI-YI-YI-YI-YI!" Lee's shrill battle cry made everyone clap their hands to their ears. Lee threw his mike at the videoke machine's screen, causing it to break. He then jumped into the air, then whirled round and round. A great tornado formed right inside the restaurant. Dishes and glasses flew and smashed on the walls as table cloths flapped up and down. The restaurant's patrons fled for their lives. The waiter shouted to Gai, "Turn it off! Turn it off you necromancer! I promise I won't take advantage of choking females anymore!"

Gai looked at the waiter. "What the hell are you talking about?" He looked at his master. "Oh master Lee! Stop now! Please!" But Lee didn't stop spinning.

Gai started to meow and wail loudly. THAT caught Lee's attention. He stopped whirling and landed gracefully in front of Gai. The cat threw a glass of water at Lee's face. Lee blinked a few times then stared at the black feline. Gai looked up at his master sorrowfully ala Puss in Shrek 2.

"Gai."

"Master Lee."

"Gai!"

"Master Lee!"

Lee hugged his cat. Gai hugged, or rather, clung to the front of his master. Huge waves crashed in the background.

"There they are officer!" pointed a man. Lee and Gai let go of each other.

"Hurry now, Gai! You must escape," Lee said

"I cannot leave you!" Gai protested.

"Go now!" And with that, Lee grabbed Gai and threw the cat out of the window.

A troop of policemen rushed to where Lee was.

"You are under arrest for damaging public property. Join us peacefully now or else…" the officer with a scar over his nose threatened. Lee gulped. "Oh, and by the way, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you."

Lee allowed himself to be handcuffed. "Where are you taking me?" Lee asked the policeman on his right. "To the head of the most prominent clan in town," the officer replied in a rather foreboding tone.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Copy Cat**

Gai landed on a trashcan and hit his head on something hard. Just before losing consciousness, he heard the officer say they were taking Lee to the head of the most prominent clan in town. Gai was woken up by loud laughter.

"And then I saw him fall like this. (Whoosh! Flump!) And he just FAINTED! (Laughter) What kind of cat is he? He should have landed on his four feet in the first place!"

Gai realized that his fall was being made fun of. He got up and dashed to where his impersonator was. The audience—a small group of alley cats—stopped laughing. The impersonator, a gray cat with a patch over his right eye, looked at Gai and said, "Oh, you're awake already."

Gai immediately raised his paw and slapped the impersonator hard. "You're nothing but a second-rate, trying-hard copy-cat!" he thundered.

The audience gasped. Immediately, the gray cat pounced on Gai. "Hey, this is what I do for a living. Got a problem with that?"

"I will not tolerate your lack of respect!" Gai scratched back.

"Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!" the audience cheered.

The two cats jumped and landed on opposite sides of the makeshift stage where the gray cat had been performing. Try to imagine the start of a boxing match. Sure enough, a fat orange and white cat announced, "In the left corner, wearing his signature eye patch, a green vest and blue pants! Here comes the Master Copycat, KAKA-SHIIIiiii!" The alley cats cheered.

"And on the right corner, wearing a green spandex suit, with orange accents! Here comes…" The announcer whispered to Gai, "Hey, what's your name?"

"Maito Gai!" Gai yelled. "And these are not mere orange accents! They're arm and leg warmers!"

The announcer rolled his eyes. "Whatever. HERE COMES MAITOOOooo GAI!"

The alley cats booed.

"You two. I want a good clean fight…" The announcer suddenly became a referee.

"Hey, hey," Kakashi said in a lazy tone. "What will I get if I win this fight? I won't fight for nothing, you know?"

The referee thought for a while. "Well, the loser will become the winner's slave for one day. How's that?"

"Call," said Kakashi.

"Call," said Gai.

The two went into their battle stances. The referee jumped out of the stage and banged on an empty can of corned beef. That was the starting bell. Kakashi and Gai both brought down their right paws…

"Kakashi has rock! Gai has paper! Gai wins!" the referee announced.

The alley cats grumbled. One by one, they left the place.

"HAHAHA! Kakashi, you're my slave for one day!" Gai mocked. Kakashi jumped down the stage "Hey, where are you going?" Gai asked.

. "I'm going to the next town," Kakashi said. "This loss has brought a disastrous end to my business in this place."

"But you can't do that! You're my slave for one day!"

"Yeah, yeah. Do you expect me to act as your landing pad whenever you fall from a building? Take those weights of your arms and legs and you'll be able to land gracefully next time."

"You don't understand! I need your help. My master is in a life or death situation." And with that, Gai explained to Kakashi what just happened at the Marina's Tail.

"The last thing I heard was they were taking him to the head of the most prominent clan in town," Gai concluded.

"Shit, cat! You're master's in deep trouble," Kakashi said rather menacingly.


End file.
